Tom Hanks

In light of Tom Hanks and his recent appearance on SNL, I feel it necessary to talk about him. That's right, I'm rating Tom Hanks. Not his specific work, but Tom Hanks.

Let's pretend The da Vinci Code never happened. Let's pretend that there's not a sequel to the monstrosity that is the bastardization of all that is factual about da Vinci, the Catholic Church, and art. Let's pretend, for a moment, that those things never happened.

Tom Hanks is the effing man. Seriously. You don't agree? Well, he lent his voice to the Simpsons movie, earning him such great quotes as, "The US Government has lost its credibility so it's borrowing some of mine," and "this is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please, leave me be." Not good enough for you? Fine.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

(if that embadding doesn't work; click here)
On a scale of 1 to awesome, Tom Hanks gets a solid rating of Awesome. End of story.

This blog

This blog gets a 0 out of any possitive number you want for the past 7 months. that's my fault. Now I just need to evaluate it's worth and figure out if it would be better off dead or not.
Any opinions on this subject would be great.

Hancock... and Get Smart...

Hancock was fantastic. If at all possible, skip the mind-melting ads shown prior to the film. But cinematics were stunning- great camera and CG work. And it was a surprisingly emotive film. There's a bit of a twist, that thanks to good directing and good acting, an observant/perceptive audience member can sense the very startings of (but not the intricacies and depth of)- that has been concealed well and not at all mentioned in the extensive trailers for the film. It's definitely worth the 10 bucks to see it in theaters.


Get Smart was funny. Sometimes. And kind of predictable and formulaic. It's good for a few laughs, especially at Steve Correl's expense. It's not a detestable film... but waiting to rent it for less than half the ticketed admission price is definitely recommended.

It's not a review but oh well.

Well this actually happened a couple months ago but the issue is out now or should be out very soon depending on the store I guess. Well my buddy Dan got an article in Men's Health Magazine. So here's a link if you want to check it out, it's got video and everything, fancy.
The Article.
Good job Dan

Kyle

Water Balloons!

A super-short mini review:

Yesterday, I took part in an organized water balloon fight. Before yesterday, I think the last time I interacted with water balloons, the townhouses at my college were at war. I lived in the safe house. 600 balloons and 10 minutes later, I realized that I need to take part in stuff like this more often. Why aren't there more organized water balloon fights! It was awesome because a) I met a ton of people I didn't know, b) it was a great way to beat the heat and c) it was free. Being a broke college grad who can't get a job, free is the BEST THING EVER.

My new goal this summer? Find all the cool, social, free things to do in New Jersey.

This water balloon fight got a 10/10 for freeness, awesomeness, and a 99% chance it'll happen again.

Until next time,
m

Kyle's Very Short Review of the Day

Online Banking- 5 out of 5
Now I can find out if I'm broke through a much faster and far more convenient method. I barely remember the old days where I had to drive to the bank to find out that I had a negative balance. And when that happened if the teller was older and seemed to care about their job I would actually feel bad... like I personally let her down by not properly saving my money. Granted I generally didn't have any cash on me to deposit anyway, so it really didn't make much of a difference. But now I can check and see how far in the hole I am guilt-free, and without even putting pants on. Oddly enough today I’m actually not negative, i have $2.xx, and I actually have a check to deposit. So I’m actually not doing too bad... unless my porn site subscription tries to take the money before i get to deposit the check this afternoon, then I’ll be out $30. Everyone cross your fingers and hope that that payment doesn’t begin processing before I get there after work. I have a good chance of lucking out on this due to the fact that it isn’t even in the “check card holds” column or anything, so apparently they have yet to even try.


Kyle

the internet

As some of my personal blog readers already know, I've had my fair dealings with weirdos and creepers on the internet for quite some time... But when it comes to review time... The internet is WONDERFUL. I truly love it. You can just wake up one day and decide you want to know all about bees, (and I have done this/things like this many times) and an hour or two later, you know all you'd ever wanted to know and then some. Keep in touch with your uncle in Russia. It's really great.
But the real reason I love the internet is this:


Oh man. PRICELESS.

More ® symbols than any other blog I know of®.

Well right now I am eating a quite delicious Nature Valley® Oats 'N Honey Granola Bar type thing. The crunchy kind, not the soft kind that tastes like oatmeal that someone didn’t' add enough water to. Well on the wrapper i notice that this granola bar isn't just a normal, run of the mill, everyday granola bar. The granola bar that I’m munching on is in fact not only THE Official Granola Bar of the US Ski Team®, but also THE Official Granola Bar of the PGA Tour®. Now I’m really curious as to how these kind of deals work. Is it just in name on the wrapper? Are you only allowed to eat these particular granola bars if you happen to be on the PGA Tour® or the US Ski Team® (at least while you're in public)? Now I can't imagine that everyone is forced to eat these granola bars, since there is a good possibility that there is at least one of those professionals that doesn't like this granola bar and has a different preference. There is also a possibility that someone may be allergic to an ingredient. I'm going to assume that the way this works is that these granola bars are provided to the players and staff on the PGA® and US Ski Team®. If they choose to eat them they can help themselves, but if they want to eat something else then that's fine too. This arrangement isn't even that weird.What i really want to talk about is the crazy ones that make no sense at all. So let’s discuss everyone's favorite sport to make fun of (assuming you're north of the Mason-Dixon Line at least... NASCAR®. Well to be 100% honest I actually enjoy NASCAR®. In fact i was named after a NASCAR® driver. However their policy on sponsorship is slightly insane. I understand it to a point. I mean if Tampax® wanted to give me a shit-ton of money to put their name on stuff, hell I’d take it too. My issue isn't with that at all. My problem is that once Tampax® gives them (and it isn't just NASCAR®) a boat load of money, Tampax® isn't "a proud sponsor of NASCAR®" they instead become "the Official Tampon of NASCAR®." And that is my problem with things, and to be honest I’m pretty forgiving about it. For instance NASCAR® is sponsored by Ritz® Crackers- the Official Cracker of NASCAR®... okay but then the also have combos which are the Official Cheese Filled Snack of NASCAR®... are you fucking kidding me? They also have these categories locked up:
Chocolate- M&M's ®
Pizza- Domino's ®
Dog Food- Pedigree ®
Soft Drink-Coca Cola ®
Sports Drink- PowerAde ®
Beer- BudweiserPace/Passenger Car- Chevrolet® Monte Carlo
Passenger Car- Dodge Charger ®
Truck- Ford ®
Shaving Product- Gillette ®
Golf Club- Top-Flite ®
Golf Ball- Callaway Golf ®
Pain Reliever- Tylenol ®
Home Improvement Store- Home Depot ®

Convenience Store- APlus ®
... i can't keep going because I’ll go crazy.
If all these things were used in a race or by a racer i could completely understand the label of "Official Staple Remover of NASCAR®." Now Goodyear® being "The Official Tire of NASCAR®," that makes sense to me. And some of the other things I do get, like the sports/soft drink. But seriously... golf club... dog food!? I have yet to see a racecar driver golf during a race, nor have i seen a dog inside a race car (at least not one actually driving it.) Why can't they just label it "a Proud Sponsor of NASCAR®?" And again, this is not just an issue with NASCAR® it just seems to be bigger with them than anyone else. Yet again I’ll say this though; I have no issue with weird sponsors promoting something that has absolutely no real relation with the sport. My issue is with the label that the sponsor gets.
So NASCAR®(and other violators of this) get a 0 out of 5. You're just annoying with you're idiotic nonsensical labeling policy of your sponsors. The WNBA® would get a 1 out of 5 because them having an Official Shaving Product would actually make a difference to the sport.

Kyle’s review in (approximately) 1 line or less or sometimes more depending on how I feel®: NBA® Referees
NBA® Referees... you guys suck! Pay me that money. I suck too but at least I suck consistently

I would like to thank Foldger's® Coffee which is the Official Fuel of Kyle® and Hot Pockets® as the Official Meatish Substance Filled Pastry of Kyle® (it's an item that keeps me in a constant state of anger to write/create this blog)

Thank you,

Kyle® & His Official Sponsors

AT&T Customer Service line...

So, I don't know who picks the music for the call waiting for these companies, but that person needs to be run over by a semi. For real. Who, in their right mind, when sitting on hold would hear a song playing and say, "Boy, I really loved the original of this third rate song. I'm so glad they made into a smooth jazz/muzak version."
Then they pop you on over to someone, who, even though you explain your problem initially, doesn't transfer you until you waste 15 minutes of both your time... Then you explain the problem to a whole new person, from scratch and they have you do the same stuff the first support chick/guy did. Your only solace is that you can put the phone on speaker and have your hands free to do other equally as boring and frustrating things...
Of course, AT&T does one better than computer support companies because their techs at least speak English clearly enough to understand them. And they try to be friendly. But, seriously, you guys.

-Nixon

Nixon's review of Ghost Rider- I know, I know.

Back-Story: Johnny Blaze [played in the beginning by Matt Long, and later on by Nicolas Cage] loves Roxanne Simpson [played at first by Raquel Alessi, and later by Eva Mendes]. Blaze is a carnie with his dad, doing motorcycle stunts. Papa Blaze has cancer and is very clearly dying. Roxanne is going to leave town soon, and Johnny just isn’t going to be able to leave with her. Then the devil shows up and promises to save Papa Blaze from cancer, in exchange for Blaze’s soul. Blaze accepts, but he dies the next day in a stunt gone wrong. So, naturally, Blaze jumps town. Years later, Blaze is famous stuntman and Roxanne is a reporter.

The Plot: When Blaze sold his soul to save dear old dad, he agreed to become Ghost Rider in the future. Well, around the same time Roxanne comes back into his life, so does the devil. And then, Blaze is torn between what he has to do and what he wants to do. Unfortunate, I know. You see, the funny thing is that the stuff the devil wants Blaze to do isn’t really that bad. Kill murderous demons, and claim a few sinners along the way. Not a terrible gig. Plus, you get to be in fire and ride up buildings and use a chain as a whip, a grappling hook, a lasso, and even a fan. Sounds to me like this gig is right up Blaze’s alley. And in the end, Blaze keeps the power- I’m not sure how someone can double cross Satan when without Satan, you’d have no power, but whatevs. Anyway… So apparently, the devil’s brat kid wants to absorb all these super evil souls and become ultra evil himself, making hell on earth. And for whatever reason, Satan’s not cool with hell on earth, and in comes Ghost Rider to… save the day…? Does anyone else think it’s odd that Satan wants to save earth so badly?

My two cents: Well, let’s not kid ourselves about the acting. The dad from Grounded for Life is one of Blaze’s handymen, and he’s probably the best actor in the film. Now, I don’t know if you’ve seen his bit work in films like, oh, let’s say Blade, but it’s humorously terrible. And, sorry, but Eva Mendes is only ever really cast in parts because she’s cute. By the way, did anyone else notice that she had a slight lisp in this movie? Has she always had that? And Nicolas Cage. Oh god, Nicolas Cage. For starters, Nicolas Cage does not act. Period. He stars in films, but he does not act. More or less, they grab him and say, “we’re gonna pay you [blank amount] to just stand where we tell you and respond when people say [blank name].” Don’t get me wrong, I love him for this. Him and Keanu Reeves both. But it doesn’t make for a high quality piece of cinema. And I’m sorry, but the devil, aside from the whole killing dad the next day bit, really isn’t all that bad. I don’t particularly dislike him or what he does in this movie.

Stars: Well, I think it’s unfair in general to rate all movies on the same scale. As far as BLOCKBUSTERS go, this is a 4.5 –but as far as regular cinema is concerned, this is a 2.5 at best. Sorry guys, but you cast Nicolas Cage. You had to have known it wasn’t going to be great. Plus, the graphics; not all that great. I remember at least two scenes from birds-eye-view where someone oops-ified the shot by making ghost rider as big as some of the houses he was riding by. How the hell do you fuck up a far away, out of focus shot like that? The world may never know. Plus, the bad guy you really hated was Satan’s kid, not Satan. And that’s just weird. PS, why does the devil want to save earth? Dear Hollywood, stop doing that. Seriously. I’m sure the Devil wouldn’t want to save us. So stop writing him that way, k?

Entertainment Weekly... & Sex and the City

Video, audio recording, and overall tirade by "Nixon."

Fast Food, Wednesdays, and Lame Clubs.

Kyle Reviews: Fast Food Places

This review will be for fast food joints. However, I’m not going to go into the garbage served at Subway, nor the round discs of something and something and something that looks like cheese served at Domino's and Pizza Hut. This will be devoted to the BIG 3 burger places McD’s, Wendy’s and BK. Let me also make it clear that all of this food is trash, so when i say things like "pretty good" or anything positive really, I mean that it is good for what it is. Not that it is good when compared to real food.

McDonald’s

The worlds largest fast food chain, but certainly not the best. I will admit there have been times in my life, though few, that I have actually been in the mood to eat McDonald’s food. I don’t know why these urges occur nor do I control them, but when they come over me it seems the only thing that will satisfy it is a cheeseburger and some fries from the “restaurant” that God let slip into our dimension (actually, maybe McDonald’s is the 11th plague that they left out of the Bible…?). The biggest problem with these cravings is that once I do get my hands on this meat substance, I take a bite or 2 and then completely regret spending my money on something that horrible. The fries, well I’ve got nothing really against the fries. When they’re good, they’re great. When they’re bad, they’re terrible. And when they’re cold, they’re deadly weapons. As far as the other things on their menu, well it all seems to taste rather bland, which is probably why they bread and fry most of it. Though the breading and frying process happens long before you're ordering the food.
Overall Score: 2 out of 5 (good fries got them an extra point)

Wendy’s, on the other hand, seems to have good food for the most part. Also, couple that with an almost unbeatable dollar menu and you’ve got a solid, fast, unhealthy meal that will possibly stop your heart, but it won’t empty your wallet. I really only have 2 complaints with Wendy’s. One is the fact that rarely has my cheeseburger actually had melted cheese atop it. Not that big of a deal, however it would be nice to have my hot burger with some not so ice-cold cheese. Second issue isn’t really a big deal, but annoying at times. The frosty, which they generally bill as their milkshake. Well, it is undrinkable through a straw (unless you wait a few days for it to melt). This is rarely a problem unless I decide I would like this delicious treat while I’m driving or doing anything when only one hand is accessible.
Overall Score: 3½ out of 5 (you have to give them credit for the dollar menu and chili)

Burger King, the creepy commercials are probably the highlight. The food actually isn’t too bad as far as fast food goes. The nice part is the option of onion rings instead of the mush-sticks they call fries, however, it would be really nice if I could ever get these onion rings when I order them. Generally I get what I order when I go there, except for the onion rings. Can I have a Whopper with cheese, extra pickles, no onions, some barbecue sauce, extra mustard and instead of beef I’d like to have my meat patty made out of unicorn. To drink I’ll have ½ coke ½ diet coke. Lastly I’d like onion rings instead of fries, please. I get my unicorn burger with all required condiments and without any of the ones I omitted. I get my coke-hybrid, but I get French fries. I don’t understand this. You can handle a complex series of modifications to my burger, but you can’t just fill the paper cup with brown round things instead of yellow straights? It just doesn’t make sense and for that I have a bit of hatred in my heart for the self proclaimed Burger King.
Overall Score: 3 out of 5 (not the worst food, but i can't get over the issue with the onion rings)


Kyle’s short review: Wednesdays

Well, overall I believe that Wednesday is one of the better days of the work week. It is the marker for the week being half over, which is obviously terrific. As well as being a day to just kind of coast through to save my energy for the Thursday push to get to Friday as quickly as possible. Yet another great thing that Wednesday has going for it is that, well at least it isn’t Monday(though yes, all the other days of the week get to claim this, mostly Tuesday gets to claim this as it’s biggest positive aspect).
Wednesday is not without its bad points. There is most definitely a dark side to this midweek day. If you are having a bad Wednesday, it feels like Thursday and Friday are going to take forever to get through. My main complaint about this day, and to no fault of its own, is its nickname. Yeah, this better than average day of the week did absolutely nothing to deserve such a horrid nickname as… “Hump Day.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard worse nicknames in my life, though they have all been cursed upon people. Not a day or anything of that sort. I just want to know who made this up and thought it was actually a clever thing to be doing. It’s just plain fucking stupid. And to top it off, for some reason there is a good portion of the population that finds it absolutely hilarious due to using it as a sexual reference. Generally that part of it only happens in the online world, which I, thankfully, don’t have to experience often. But seriously people, it is not funny, clever or any other positive adjective. This ended up being quite a bit longer than I had planned. Oh well.
Happy fucking Wednesday everyone!


Kyle’s review in (approximately)1 line or less or sometimes more depending on how I feel: Crappy Bar/Club combinations...

… FUCK YOU!!! Why people go to them I’ll never know. Give me a normal bar with beer instead.





-Kyle

Sizes, an Epistolary Tale in 3 Parts

Dear Dunkin Donuts,
I know we go way back. Our love affair began sometime in high school, when it was cool to walk there after movies Friday nights. You'd serve me delicious drinks and donuts, and I'd spend hours under your soft yellow lights. No, this isn't creepy at all.

Anyway, I have a problem with you. Your cups are no longer satisfactory. When I want a small Coolatta, I don't want one that I will have to drink for an hour. And why are they 3.29? The medium is 20 cents more, with about 20x more Coolatta. Now, I love your Hazelnut Coolattas, but I don't want to drink one for that long. I mean, I have to do important things like talk, and drive, and kiss boys. These things are impeccably harder when I have a never-ending small Coolatta.

Here is my solution: Give me a real small. One that is just enough. I feel like freaking Goldilocks here, but everything is too big. Give me the just right, please. That's all I can ask for.

I still love you, DD. As long as you provide me with delicious sugar dusted jelly donuts, I will deal with drinks too large for my being. And bagels. I love your bagels. Sigh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, sweetie.

Love, Mandy

----

Dear Starbucks,

I will never comply with your "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti" scheme. It is more of a lie than the cake. I hate you. We are not friends. I know this is mutual, since whenever I order from you, I refuse to use your made up names and order a small, but please keep making iced white chocolate mochas for me occasionally. They are delicious. Let's put our size hatred aside for a few minutes as you support my espresso habit. Thanks.

Love, Mandy

----

Dear Quick Check, or Quik Chek, or however you like to spell it,

Thank you for having sizes that are probably too big, but exactly what I needed to keep me up all night during finals. That extra large, half extra caffeinated, half hazelnut coffee was probably one of the best things ever. Thank you for keeping me up for three days. And thanks for the ridiculously weird dreams I had after I crashed, I guess?

Love, Mandy

Fright of flying

In the past month I've flown Southwest Airlines® on 4 separate occasions. Now, I'm not totally sure its fair for me to say this is a review on Southwest. I think this is more about the general quality of flying "post-9/11". Two out of the four flights were great. Smooth takeoff, pleasant in-flight service, clean bathroom, smooth landing, etc. The other two, however, were an absolute nightmare come to life. I can't recall the takeoff being overly uncomfortable, but in-flight to landing, where should I start?

The attendants were nothing short of rude. One woke me up by pulling one of the ear buds from my headphones out of my ear and said, "Want a beverage?" How about you wake me up politely and say a complete sentence? The bathroom was atrocious, and I'm not sure if I can blame that on someone who was in before me, or sheer laziness of the crew between the flight before us and our flight.

Lets move on to quality of the flying itself. During two out of the four aforementioned flights, I completely gave myself up to God and confessed my sins because I was that convinced we were going to die. One of which, the bright yellow "sign-of-nothing-good" oxygen masks fell from their compartments and passengers frantically started grabbing at them like a group of homeless people at a five dollar bill in the gutter.

The reason I am not convinced my poor experience was entirely at the fault of Southwest Airlines® has to do with quality of life, for the crew. Did you know commercial airline pilots make an average of $35,000/year? That's it? That's actually quiet frightening. You don't think someone controlling a 110,000-200,000 lb* hunk of metal that carries 100-250 passengers* should be motivated to fly well (and not scare the life out of their passengers) by a better salary? There is no way, regardless of how much I enjoyed piloting an aircraft, you could get me to put the lives of that many people in my tiny hands at that salary.

*figures based on a typical Boeing 737

"LUV" is not in the air
TS

Monday morning coffee

On my way into work late today, I decided to take the risk of getting a coffee from the McDonalds® drive-thru. Now I am not generally a picky person, but what I ordered and what I received were polar opposites of each other. Now, forgive me for expecting anyone at a McDonalds® to give me what I originally asked for, but out of this I did conceive an idea for a totally new way to drink coffee. It's called the "McSkittles Coffee". The recipe for this is as follows:

Step 1, go to a McDonalds® drive-thru and order a "large coffee with extra cream and sugar".
Step 2, proceed to pay for and receive your coffee.
Step 3, drive to work.
Step 4, open your coffee to discover it was served to you black.
Step 5, scrounge your office and coworkers offices for any form of creamer, sugar, or normal condiments used to make McDonalds® coffee drinkable.
Step 6, do not find anything and resort to dumping a handful of skittles you got from the candy machine into your coffee.
Step 7, stir and enjoy (read: take a sip and throw away).

"I'm lovin' it"®
TS

Introduction

This is a blog reviewing just about anything. And I do mean anything. Videogames, movies books, tools, beer, bars, restaurants, human beings, pizza from the place down the street, the box that the pizza from down the street comes in, foods, animals and their many required items, blogs(even this one) music, days of the week/month/year, websites, etc. So when I say everything I do mean anything. Also a nice little plus is that if you write a review, send it over and chances are I'll probably post it up here, since if you write a review that means it's one that I won't have to. Plus everyone has access to different things so it will work out well that way. If you write one and send it, cursing is allowed but don't get ridiculous with it. Funny or useful reviews are fine either way but if you manage to make it both at the same time... PURE GOLD. The email to send your reviews to is reviews.of.stuff@gmail.com I'll also be talking to some people to see if they would like to do reviews also, this way this thing gets regular updates not just when I feel like doing it. So hopefully 3 things will happen: 1.) I’m not lazy about this (chances are good that I won't be).2.) Friends help out and write them also.
3.) People who view it write them too.3.) Everyone has enjoys reviewing/reading this. 3.) I stop being lazy about capitalization and grammar (chances of this happening are 50/50). Reviews to come Kyle




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